Who knew not getting money was hard
by Puzzling Dodecahedron
Summary: Complete the game without collecting any treasure. No shortcuts.


_Sorry if this is a bit screwy. I have not written anything this extensive since I graduated high school._

**The walls are shifting**...

One of the main things to do in Spelunky is getting money. It's every where after all: in pots, on the ground, IN the ground, on vendetta-fueled merchants, or in the stomachs of big creatures—hostile or otherwise. One popular activity among Spelunky players is to partake in runs where they collect as much money as possible. I've seen them go as high as 7 million!The whole process looks rather fun, and it is, but y'know what isn't fun? Doing the exact opposite. I introduce you to the "_Low Scorer_" achievement.

All I can say is: _**FUCK**_ this achievement.

As it stands, Spelunky is a difficult game. Anyone who's played it will know that. But after 120 hours of playtime (and 2,100+ deaths) I'd say I'm decent at the game. Ok now imagine having to avoid every single piece of gold and gem laying around while dealing with the usual shit one sees on a regular run. I initially thought it would be an easy little challenge after defeating Yama for the first time. I felt oh-so confident at the time, but Spelunky had the contrary in mind...

_Note: I aimed for this achievement around a year and a half ago but gave up after 200 or so attempts. I came back after an urge to play Spelunky and remembered about Low Scorer. I decided to try again after a look into the achievements page._

The Mines:

Since that damned achievement forbade the use of Tunnel Man's shortcuts, I had to go from the beginning each time, which meant **many **restarts. Being the first area of the game you may think it being the easiest, and under normal circumstances it is, but that wasn't the case at all. Thankfully, your whip can move gold around making it safe to continue. That being said; avoiding gold at times was a chore, sometimes it was impossible without the use of a bomb or rope. Gold would often end up in terrible and inconvenient places, like on a tile that's a destination for a jump to avoid fall damage. How about the times gold would end up on top of the exit? Or when it would spawn in front of a damsel? IN FRONT OF A MUCH NEEDED CATE? And lets not forget those hidden FUCKING ingots that made me have to bomb myself to restart. There where also moments when I would run in to gold due holding the run button for too long. Avoiding gold is only a fraction of the battle, but a very frustrating fraction. I should also mention that simply buying things to get rid of money won't work, else it wouldn't be much of an achievement.

How about we move on to the creatures that roam the mines? It should be known that no enemy is to be underestimated in Spelunky; they all have the potential to cause a run to end. Snakes were the least threatening enemy during my runs, Cobras being more problematic (if only slightly). Cavemen did cause some trouble when they would run at me trying to maneuver an unfortunate arrow and spike trap placement. Spiders are annoying, to put it bluntly, especially in those "_My skin is crawling_" levels; rather than initiating trouble they opt to wait and ambush you by falling from the ceiling. I can't tell you how many hearts I've lost to these jumping motherfuckers, but I am partly to blame for not watching out for them. Giant spiders are, well, a giant tease (also dangerous) because of the very valuable bomb paste, the catch here being that they also drop gems, often on top of the paste. Skeletons will give you the scare by reanimating and ambushing—the assholes. Bats are a **MASSIVE **pain in the ass where ever you see them! They'll follow you once they see you and have the added benefits of being above the player and the whip having a bad hitbox when in the releasing part of the attack animation! I hate bats in Spelunky. No wonder they spawn in Hell...

I don't have much to say about shopkeepers since I decided them, and their gold, to be too much of a risk. Although jetpacks and bomb boxes/bags were incredibly tempting!

I was in the mines mostly during my many attempts for this achievement and I always felt like shit restarting from a good going run. At least the mines have good music!

The Jungle:

Got through the mines as poor as you came in? Great! This is far from over.

Here in the jungle there are more places for pesky gold to hide. The grass can have gold partly covered and can be accidentally picked by the untrained eye. Trees can have money **COMPLETELY **covered by their leaves! I had to drop whatever I had in hand and whip at the top of the tree to check most times. Not many had gold in them but the chance that there was could not be ignored.

The terrain in the jungle is dangerous. Tiki traps litter the levels, on many occasions requiring risky movement to get through, gold and enemies appearing on top of them as well, because of course they would. High drops that could contain traps and monsters at the bottom were common. Ponds could be fatal because of fast piranhas, hard to see gold, and a slight change in controls. Bee hives house many of bees with big stingers that move in a semi-sporadic manner and can leave you with a few hearts missing, especially the queen.

In the jungle lives an extremely dangerous creature, a **FUCKING **nightmare to deal with at times, its name? Frog. You know, those blue and red frogs that jump at a seemingly unpredictable and variable way. They may jump directly at the player or fake them out by leaping slightly. The red ones blow up, but that could be used for one's advantage. Giant blue frogs spawn more of the blue demons an endless amount if not killed or avoided, killing them requires more than just stomping on them (without spike shoes) though. If that wasn't enough, frogs jump EVEN higher if they're underwater and stomping them underwater is not possible. Can't decide whether bats or frogs are more of a pain...

Tiki men throw boomerangs that can chain hit or stunlock a player but are easy enough to disarm. Mantraps eat you if you get too close; avoiding them can be a hazardous endeavor. Snails blow acid bubbles that float upward, often killing themselves in the process. And monkeys, even though they don't directly cause damage, can stun you, take your ropes, and activate your bombs—**very** troublesome. "_The dead are restless_" levels are thankfully a bit more forgiving.

Oh yeah, cavemen, skeletons, and bats spawn here too! Fantastic.

The Ice Caves:

Out of the jungle and into the ice caves! Exits in here are easy to find due to them often spawning below the entrance and, if you have a cape, compass, or jetpack, very easy to clear. Most of the danger here is in the UFOs the aliens ride and mines that cause hectic explosions that can throw things all over the place, even gold straight at your face. Another great feature of the ice caves is that gold can be easily spotted due to the blue tiles. Of course Spelunky then decides to generate a snowy level that, you guessed it, covers up a good portion of a tile, possibly hiding an ingot or a dreaded nugget.

The ice caves were a nice respite from the agony of Low Scorer, only one more location to clear.

The Temple:

The last few levels before Olmec were a slow crawl and I only reached them around a dozen times. Look out for crush traps. Avoid or kill mummies. Move past tiki traps. See a tile with a pillar above it? Whip at it to check for gold. Don't piss off Crocmen, else they'll possibly telefrag you! Throw something in front of arrow traps. Run away from Anubis. Blow up lava pools if necessary.

Do all that to reach 4-4. Or touch a nugget hidden in a sandpile, which ever comes first...

Olmec's Lair:

I'm here! Nervous and fidgety, but here! With me, we have Olmec, the big golden bastard. The objective for its demise? Somehow get it to the bottom of the level were magma awaits it. One could use bombs or have Olmec itself do the dirty work. I opted to use bombs to get it over with in one-fell swoop. Not on the first time or second or third...

One time Olmec crushed me. Another time I touched a retched gold chunk from trying to blow up a tunnel for Olmec to fall through. Then death from a goddamned frog! Back to the mines for me!

However, on December 6th at exactly 10:00 O'clock, I managed to complete this horrendous ordeal! With enough attempts and some luck via a cape, a bomb box from a crate, and a shotgun from the Ash tomb, I managed to reach and defeat Olmec, take the Giant Idol, and leave the temple with no money collected! I got up from my chair and cursed Derek Yu and Andy Hull, exasperated yet in cathartic bliss. Then my zero Steam friends congratulated me for my success after I grabbed a can of soda in celebration.

Speedlunky was not as frustrating as Low Scorer.

Or To Hell and Back.

Seen it all? Public Enemy? Hardly.

**Fuck** you Derek and Andy. But not really. They've made an amazing game that is easy to love... as well as hate sometimes. Also a nod to Eirik Suhrke for the great soundtrack!

That's it.


End file.
